If coming home is never the best part of your day, if your spouse’s number is no longer the most frequently called on your phone, if the TV or computer is the most interesting thing in your bedroom, if you hesitate to have a conversation with your partner because you already know how badly it will end, then you already know your relationship is in trouble.
You are by no means stuck with this situation, though. If you and your partner want to reconnect, there are a number of steps you can take to get back to where you were. With the right attitude and effort, you may even end up in a better place.It’s important to realize from the outset, though, that this isn’t something that can be forced. You can’t shove your partner into a better way of relating. It will require both of you committing to doing what it takes to make a change for the better, sometimes patiently coaxing, sometimes being drawn forward.

Some of the best steps you can take are:

  1. Spend time together. This may be the biggest thing busy couples can do for themselves. In the beginning you had the time (you took the time) to be with one another. You had a lot to discover about each other and made that thrilling discovery a priority in your lives. But time has a way of filling up with daily stuff – work, taking one child to soccer and the other to band practice, shopping, checking on an elderly parent, doing the taxes. The list goes on and on and it always will. But Number 1 on that list needs to be feeding your relationship with time together, alone. Once you’ve got that scheduled, you can work on getting the rest done.
  2. Take time apart. Having a healthy relationship doesn’t mean spending every moment together. You each also need time on your own to gain perspective, to unwind, to miss one another.
  3. Talk. Chances are there’s talk going on between you: whose turn is it to change the kitty litter? Don’t forget we’re having my sister over for dinner. Turn off the TV; I’m trying to sleep. That’s all necessary but the conversation you really need to have needs to be deeper: I really feel abandoned when you don’t answer me. Why do you get so mad when I say I’ll be late getting home? I want things to be more like they were when we first dated. Make a pact that you will both share, honestly, how you’re feeling. If necessary, take turns talking for two or three minutes while your partner just listens.
  4. Laugh. You’re doing hard work here; there’s nothing like a good shared laugh to loosen your shoulders, give you some perspective, and remind you of the fun you used to share. It may feel contrived at first, but if you agree to each find a good joke once a week, you may find the laughter bubbling up naturally.
  5. Take responsibility. You’ve contributed to the disconnect you’re feeling, and so is your partner. Blame leads you nowhere. Taking responsibility can get you out of this rut and allow you to move on.
  6. Look back/look ahead. You have shared good times in the past, and hope to share them in the future. Visit your old haunts, watch video of your wedding, get in touch with friends you’ve lost touch with. Or, revive your plans for a trip, a home improvement. There is much happiness ahead, if you build on your past and work toward your joint future.

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