It’s a shock to learn that the person you trust most in the world has lied, cheated, sneaked, or broken faith with you in some way. You had an agreement after all, whether it was stated aloud or merely understood between you: you would each look out for the other, protect and support each other, never do intentional harm.
It may seem like such a small breach to the betrayer – a little lie, a few minutes with a secret friend, a slightly selfish purchase that no one needs to know about – really not a big deal.But to the betrayed it can feel like the world has flipped upside down. What’s safe? Who can be trusted? It may reinforce fears — programmed in a troubled childhood — that the betrayed is not worth being treated with integrity.

You may both be confused about how to behave, how to get back to normal, or how to move forward alone if you feel that the betrayal warrants such an extreme reaction. A skilled therapist can help you get clear about what’s happened and why, and how you both can work on a resolution.

Therapy can help you both to recognize that, swept along as you may feel, you actually have the power to determine how things go from here on out. It’s the same power that you have every day of your relationship, but this struggle can focus and stimulate that process.

If you are the betrayer, you are in a position to do a lot to repair that betrayal.

  • Recognize that however slight you may feel the incident is, it is important to your partner and that should make it important to you, as well.
  • Confess before the transgression comes to light. Any attempts to cover up only make things worse. In fact, the subsequent lies can do more damage than the initial act.
  • Tell all. This is not a time to try to evade or offer excuses. If your partner has a question, answer it honestly and then stop. Listen to what they have to say. Be aware that your betrayal may unlock fears or anger from their past. Acknowledge that old baggage and vow to work on a different outcome.
  • Commit to being completely honest going forward and give your partner as long as they need to rebuild trust.
  • Forgive yourself. Holding onto the negative feelings is not a tribute to your concern for your partner. Instead, try to understand why you did what you did so it’s not necessary to repeat the behavior.

If you have been betrayed, you can play a role that is much more powerful than blame and self-pity. You have work to do, as well.

  • Understand the reasons for the betrayal. This may be the hardest step you take, but if you can’t understand why this happened you really can’t move forward.
  • Express how you feel. Your partner needs to know exactly how their behavior has affected you and if there’s anything from your own past that makes it more intense for you.
  • Take the high road. You may feel that you certainly deserve a turn at payback, but you must also know that that way only leads downward.

If you’re both committed to preserving your relationship, chances are good you will be able to do just that.

If you decide that the betrayal and the issues that led to it are more than you can overcome, you still have work to do. Ending your relationship with clarity and charity will allow you to move on with your separate lives and help you avoid betrayal in your next relationship.

Click here for more information on Couples Therapy.