It was great in the beginning. You were fascinated by one another, thrilled by each new discovery, mesmerized by what each of you dared to share. You were turned inward toward each other, even when separated for a few hours or days. What is she doing right this minute? And you would drift off into imagining. Is he staying safe and healthy? You would fret until the next reassuring phone call or email or meeting. You were one being, one soul, and always would be.

Then came the mundane distractions of daily life: You left the toilet seat up (again!). Do you have to talk while I’m trying to pay attention to the game? Surely it’s your turn to get up with the baby this time. I’m too busy, too tired, too angry.

There’s no escaping the occasional stress of sharing life with another. The success or weakness of a marriage rests in how you respond as a couple.

Are you able, even when you’re angry, to assume that your partner meant well? Are you willing to make the effort to repair whatever has you both upset, while you are both still upset? Can you laugh, hug, cry together and quickly improve your day? Such skills can ensure that your relationship has a long and healthy life.

On the other hand, if you and your partner are quick to place blame, if you can’t recall or imagine things being better between you, if you feel you have to look elsewhere for support and comfort (with friends, family, alcohol, solitude, a lover), your relationship is in trouble.

Couple’s therapy can help you identify where things went wrong — not where to assign blame. It uncovers the role that each of you plays in your unhappiness. It can also help you, as a couple, rediscover the friendship that is the basis for a positive relationship.

Is therapy really necessary? Chances are if you and your partner were able to fix what’s wrong on your own, you wouldn’t have reached this point. Just wanting things to improve won’t make it so. You need clarity about what’s going on between you and what steps will take you back to happiness and intimacy.

What will you tackle in couple’s therapy?

  • Communication. You must be able to tell each other how you’re feeling without descending immediately into sharp replies, anger, or accusation. Each of you must be a great listener. That doesn’t mean just biding time until it’s your turn to talk, but actively hearing what your partner has to say.
  • Understanding. When you’ve heard what your partner is concerned about, it’s time to open your heart to accept those feelings with kindness. Forgiveness may be a difficult step, but likely one that both of you need to take.
  • Vulnerability and safety. Each of us has areas where we feel frightened, ashamed, or endangered. As a couple you can give each other a great gift – acceptance and a promise to be available when you are needed.
  • Laughter. Love is supposed to be fun, joyful. If you’ve lost the ability to laugh together, you are in for a great time as you recapture that wonderful skill. Enjoy!
  • Intimacy. Isn’t it time to stop sleeping back-to-back? Once you’ve mastered the skills you need for communicating effectively, when you know each other deeply, feel secure with one another, and are able to share the fun of being together, intimacy should come easily. Create a romantic setting, let your partner know you’re ready, and what you’re ready for (speak candidly). Your therapist can help if you feel any blocked. You’ve worked hard for this. You and your partner deserve a full relationship.

Click here for more information on Couples Therapy.